Reconciliation

I took this class, simply put, because Professor Vinsel taught it and I needed something to fill the space. In that aspect, it was a bad decision, because it demanded much more time than other 100 level HUM's.

But I do not regret that. It was, by far, the best mistake I've made here at Stevens.

I'm a computer scientist, but before that I was somewhat of a historian. In high school I was a passionate student about global history, and I almost went to NYU to study classics and ultimately become a journalist or something like that so I could write about why the world was turning the way it was.

Every day I acknowledge that, in some way, I made a mistake by running away from that dream. Some days I don't know why I signed off for Stevens instead of NYU. Some days I do. But that's neither here nor there.

This class breathed life back into the last dying embers that I clung to of the man I once was.

I'm bad at time, but I'd wager that it was halfway through the term, when were discussing that we needed to factor in where actors were coming from, that a gentle breeze caused one of those last embers to flare up, for just a moment, as I was flung back into my past.

I remember reading a historical text in my sophomore year of High School, analyzing what the motivations of the writer were for some text written in the something-hundred's, and I remember what it felt like to be in love with analyzing others through what they say, through their lives, their stake's in a system.

I realized, once again, that I wanted to think about the other people again. This was it, I realized: here it was, the bridge between the self I thought I murdered years ago when I signed up for here, and the self I became in my travels thereupon.

I could not ignore the flames in my heart then, as I felt my older claw through a pile of ashes, and try and take over. If he did, I wouldn't be writing this blog post: I'd have transferred out of here, decided that I should go do half my schooling over again.

No, this class made me look in that strange mirror we all have in our soul's and take my own hand and admit "Maybe, maybe we can make this work, somehow. Let's reconcile it; because if either one of us keeps going, the other one's going to go away forever. And neither of us really want that."

And so it was that this class triggered many, many weeks of reconciliation. I started reading a little bit again, I started writing again. I had to reconcile two worlds I thought were totally different: the world of science and technology, and the world of the human being.

The class became much more interesting after that, because my older self had woken up. I took this class because I liked the professor and needed a class; now, leaving it, I realize that taking this class gave me much more. It gave me the ability to stare in the mirror and stop ignoring my past.

I regret that I could not give this course the attention I should have given it. I made some poor decisions this term, decisions that taxed me too heavily, that spread me too thin. Decisions that really made me suck as a student for this course.

I regret that I did not make this discovery three years ago, before I made a few mistakes with my time and path here. I am remorseful that I do not have the ability to change my minor within a year and get this one, instead.

For a time, this class was making me regret coming to this college. The things we've studied... they've made me a little more cynical, seeing how everything is a power struggle, talking about the ever-diminishing sense of privacy we have.

But this is a story of reconciliation. By this point I realize that this class was my saving grace. I would have gone one way or the other, but now I realize that I can be neither here nor there, and be happy with that.

So thank you, Professor Vinsel. Thank you, Science and Technology Studies. You reminded me of who I used to be, what I used to love.

You helped me stare into the mirror again and realize that there's more to me than a cog in the machine. There's a man who can turn around and talk about why the machine is there, what people can do about it, and why they even interact with it.

The next step is going to be up to me. It's hysterical that a 100 level free elective made me shift gears, reconsider where I was going for my long term career, but it's the truth.

I stand here, not sure what I'm going to change, but I know that I'm going to change something in the path ahead of me. Perhaps I'll go become some sort of journalist in my future. Perhaps I'll study the implications of the things I do in my career. Perhaps maybe all that will come is that I become a little more cognizant of how technology changes society, and vice versa, and factor that in every day.

I don't really know, but I'm sure I'll figure something out.